Secret Santa
by Follow-The-Firefly
Summary: In which Axel must determine what to get Larxene as her secret Santa. Holiday-fic ONESHOT Rated T for Teen.


**Disclaimer: Yes, because religion is really prominent in video games.**

**Hey yo! I'm writing a KH story for once! I know I've been slacking with my holiday-fics. I've been so busy with college that I haven't really had much time for writing. I've been writing a TON of Red Vs Blue oneshots, so I've let my standards slip. Hey, you have no idea how hard it is to write RVB fanfics in-character. So this came from a somewhat personal experience...not with tampons, mind you. Just a little something going on this Christmas season. I know this ends abruptly, but I wanted to get it done in time. XD Credit for the "No, darling, it's rum!" bit goes to Spoonychan on YouTube, as I really liked that line from one of her videos. So without further ado, let the deadly tale begin!  
**

It took a while for Xemnas to gather the rest of Organization XIII in the Round Room for the daily meeting. As usual, Axel didn't want to attend the meeting, since he felt that attending meetings was a pointless part of being in the Organization, but Roxas managed to convince the pyro to attend.

As Xemnas rambled on about the state of the worlds and Kingdom Hearts, he noticed that his "minions", as Demyx liked to call the rest of the Organization, weren't paying attention in the slightest. Lexaeus was crocheting a tea cozy, Vexen was writing down a list of animals that he could breed with kangaroos, Zexion was reading the Z volume of an encyclopaedia, Demyx was playing _(When) Your Middle Name Is Danger_ on his sitar and Axel was asleep.

"Why do I even bother, Saïx?" Xemnas asked VII, who was the only one actually paying attention to him.

"I'm sure I don't know, Superior." Saïx replied.

"Wake _up!_" Xemnas roared.

The rest of Organization XIII jumped about thirty feet in the air, Xion jumping a little higher than that because she was so high-strung.

Marluxia shot Xemnas a glare hat could kill an elephant and asked, "Was that really necessary, sir?"

"I wouldn't need to do it if you lot would actually stay awake during meetings." Xemnas responded.

"Is there a point to all of this, Superior?" Larxene asked as she tossed her throwing knives in the air.

"Yes, Larxene, there is." Xemnas said.

"Can we get on with it, then?" Xigbar asked. "I got a new shipment of bullets that I want to try out."

"Demyx, will you stop playing that annoying thing?" Xaldin asked the Melodious Nocturne as IX started to play _Agent Tex_ on the sitar.

"It's better than him singing _Leather Pants_." Axel shuddered.

"No one should be allowed to make _Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series_ references in meetings." Xigbar said.

"Demyx, knock it off, okay?" Saïx told the sitarist.

"Fine." Demyx scowled as the sitar vanished into water droplets in the air.

"Then can we stop Axel from making _Red Vs Blue _references?" Luxord wondered.

"That doesn't seem physically possible." Axel grinned.

"That's enough out of you." Roxas glared at his boyfriend.

"That's enough out of all of you." Xemnas said. "Do you want to get out of here today or don't you?"

"Yes!" the Nobodies yelled simultaneously.

"I have the results for the secret Santa that we hold every Christmas." Xemnas announced.

"We're doing it _again_?" Axel groaned.

"Yes, Axel, we are." Xemnas said. "I will now pass around a hat with the names of everyone in Organization XIII. You will be the secret Santa for whomever you draw."

"Sounds lovely." Zexion sighed as Xemnas started to pass around an oversized top hat.

"So when do we have to have this done by?" Vexen wondered.

"Christmas, obviously." Luxord said before he took a drink of his Captain Morgan.

"Don't you think you've had enough to drink, Lux?" Axel looked questioningly at the Gambler of Fate.

"Nah, I'm fine." Luxord said as he suddenly whipped out a tea-cup and started pouring something into the tea.

"Is that milk?" Lexaeus asked.

"No darling, its rum." Luxord answered.

"Dear God in Heaven…" Axel pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Do you all have your assignments?" Xemnas asked. "Just make sure you don't reveal yourself until the end. Meeting adjourned."

While everyone else jumped down from the insanely high thrones, Axel stayed behind, his peridot eyes on the slip of paper in front of him. It was the Nobody for the secret Santa, someone who Axel couldn't stand, even more than Demyx.

Larxene.

* * *

"Roxas, I need your help."

Roxas looked up from his PSP to find Axel standing in the doorway, his green eyes confused.

"What's up, Axel?" Roxas frowned.

"Who'd you get for the secret Santa?" Axel asked as he sat down next to Roxas on the bed.

"Vexen." Roxas cringed. "I'm just gonna give him one of my old chemistry sets. I'm sure he'll love it." He glanced hesitantly at Axel and asked, "Why, who'd you get?"

"I got stuck with Larxene." Axel grimaced.

"Dude, are you serious?" Roxas looked shocked.

"No, I got Xion." Axel said sarcastically. "Yes, I'm serious!"

"Bad luck there, babe." Roxas said. "So what are you gonna do about it?"

"Well, that's kinda why I came…" Axel said.

"I don't know what to get her, Axel!" Roxas exclaimed. "Just go to Wal-Mart and get something cheap, huh?"

"Well, that's exactly what I was planning on doing." Axel said, taking Roxas by the hand and dragging him out of the room and into the hallway.

* * *

"So, have you gotten any ideas yet?"

Axel, Roxas and Zexion stood in front of the local Wal-Mart, gazing at the gargantuan sign above them. Zexion had come along because he apparently still needed to get his gift for Demyx and this was the perfect opportunity.

"No fucking clue." Axel shook his head. He turned to Zexion and asked, "So what're you getting Dem?"

"The new My Chemical Romance CD." Zexion replied.

"That figures." Roxas said under his breath.

"Well, I have no clue what to get Larxene." Axel sighed. "Who'd you get, Zexion?"

"I got stuck with Xigbar." Zexion said.

"Ooh, tough break." Axel said.

"It's okay." Zexion shook his head. "I'll just get him that new NERF gun that he's been wanting for a while.

"Just get Larxene a box of tampons or something, Axel." Roxas said.

"I'm thinking that's the best idea, Roxas." Axel said.

"You can't do that!" Zexion exclaimed as he followed VIII and XIII into the store.

"And why not?" Axel asked.

"Because that's not exactly a good idea for a Christmas gift, Axel." Zexion explained.

"Well, do you have any better ideas?" Axel asked the Cloaked Schemer. When Zexion remained silent for a few moment, Axel said, "Didn't think so."

"Look, this could be a really bad idea." Zexion said.

"Why's that?" Roxas asked as he and Axel followed Zexion back to the toy section of the store.

"You know how Larxene acts on a regular basis…" Zexion said as he surveyed the array of NERF guns.

"Yeah, and? So what?" Axel shrugged. "She's always going to be a bitch, no matter what we do."

"But this time she'll have a reason to want to slit your throat while you're asleep." Zexion said, now deciding between a tiny Maverick and a colossal Longshot.

"She tries to do that, anyway." Axel said.

"She does?" Zexion was genuinely surprised.

"Yeah, I have to set booby traps up in the middle of the night." Axel explained.

"And in my room when he stays over." Roxas said.

"Which is more often than not, I'm sure." Zexion said nonchalantly.

"Of course." Axel said. "Zex, it'll be fine."

"Well, it's your life." Zexion decided on the smaller gun and started walking towards the electronics for the music section.

"And I know full well how to deal with Larxene." Axel said.

"I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into." Zexion said.

At that moment, _Funeral Song_ rang throughout the store, meaning that someone was calling Zexion. VI retrieved his phone and, after checking the caller ID, answered the call.

"What's up, babe?" Demyx was calling. "I'm at Wal-Mart with Axel and Roxas. Axel's buying tampons for Larxene for-what? You don't know what tampons are?"

Roxas and Axel exchanged confused glances. They knew Demyx wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but they'd hoped that he was smart enough to know what a tampon was.

"Demyx, you really don't know?...They're something that women- look, just go ask Vexen, okay? I'm sure he'll explain."

Axel and Roxas once again exchanged confused glances. Did Zexion really think that Vexen would explain _anything _to Demyx? Vexen hardly had to patience to deal with his own boyfriend. What in hell made Zexion believe that the Chilly Academic had the patience to put up with Demyx?

"Did you have a point in calling me? I'm assuming that you wouldn't just call me without a reason…Yes, Demyx, the duct tape is in my desk. I'm hoping that you're not tying Xigbar up again."

Roxas raised an eyebrow as Axel pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Just how stupid could Demyx get? Did he _know_ how Xigbar could be when he was pissed? And since Zexion had said 'again', there was reason to believe that Demyx had done this before, but why the hell would Demyx even do it a first time?

"Oh, you're just trying to fix your bookcase? That makes sense…Okay, I'll be back in a few hours, depending on how fast Axel is. I'll see you in a bit."

"What was that all about?" Roxas asked, though he was unsure if he actually wanted to know.

"Demyx needed duct tape." Zexion said. "His bookcase of CDs fell over."

"What a surprise that is." Axel rolled his eyes.

"So are we getting these tampons or what?" Roxas asked, looking at his boyfriend.

"Yes. Roxas, we are." Axel said.

"So let's get going, huh?" Zexion took Roxas and Axel by the arm and dragged them off to the health and beauty section.

It took them a while to find the section dedicated to tampons. Roxas kept leading them back to the aisle for toothpaste and mouthwash whilst Axel kept insisting that the tampons were with hair products.

When they did find the tampons, the three Nobodies had quite a few brands to choose from. Axel stared at the boxes in confusion, wondering how there could be so many choices.

"Dude, which ones does she even _use_!" Axel questioned.

"Let's just guess." Zexion answered.

"These things come in sizes?" Roxas raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean, love?" Axel asked his boyfriend.

"Look! They come in light, regular, super…" Roxas rambled off.

"So which ones do we get?" Axel asked.  
"And what do you think they mean by cardboard or plastic?" Zexion wondered.

"They have ones for sports, too." Roxas stated. "But Larxene doesn't play sports…"

"Dude, let's just grab a box and be done with it." Axel grabbed a random box of tampons and headed towards the checkout lines.

"Once again, I just hope you know what you're doing." Zexion said warily.

* * *

"Axel!"

Axel looked up from the book he was reading to find Larxene standing in the doorway. She looked annoyed, though this wasn't that big of a deal for her.

"What's up, Larx?" Axel asked.

"What have I said about that, asshole?" Larxene snapped.

"Close. It's Axel." Axel grinned. "I thought I told you to get it memorized?"

"That's not the point, jackass." Larxene glared at the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Then what is, Larxene?" Axel asked. "I want to get back to this book."

"Why did you get me _tampons _for Christmas?" Larxene hissed.

"How do you know it was me?" Axel wondered, marking his place in the book he was reading with a finger.

"Because no one else would have the nerve to do so!" Larxene yelled.

"Well, I didn't know what else to get you." Axel said. "And I knew that you at least used tampons, so I figured that it would work."

"But you got me the super ones made of cardboard?" Larxene raised an eyebrow. "Do you have _any _idea how uncomfortable those are?"

"Um, I'm a guy, Larxene." Axel reminded her. "I hope to hell that I won't know how that feels."

"Oh, right." Larxene frowned.

"And I just picked them at random." Axel explained. "I had no clue what kind you used or anything, so I just grabbed one."

"Well, I suppose I should give you points for that." Larxene said. "But…"

She walked over to Axel and smacked him in the back of the head.

"What the hell was that for!" Axel demanded.

"For even thinking about buying me tampons for Christmas." Larxene said as she walked out the door.

Axel sighed as he returned to his book. Larxene was just one of those women that you couldn't please, no matter what you did.

**Yeah, I know it was odd. I've always had this image of Axel buying Larxene tampons for some reason. So that's it for now. I'll hopefully have some more oneshots up before the year ends. They'll be RVB oneshots, though. Hope you enjoyed this one. Reviews equal love! Thanks for reading!**


End file.
